I am really hard on myself. Incredibly, utterly critical of my appearance, the way I think, the way I act- even the way I speak. I question everything about myself down to my natal chart. I’ve picked apart my birth chart time and time again, attempting to find the missing piece of the puzzle, “Who am I?”
And I didn’t get far with that (not that I’ve stopped trying or anything). I’ve found a lot of indicators for ambition, success, sex, even laziness (of which I can agree to all of these factors), but nothing about being so self-critical. It’s not something I grew up with, not something I remember noticing as a younger child. As a matter of fact, it didn’t show up until I was in my late teens. So as I worked today, I pondered the meaning of life and my critical nature and BAM I had an epiphany.
My mother is a Libra-Scorpio Sun with a Scorpio moon followed by more Scorpio with some more Scorpio on top of that. Me? I am a Libra Sun with a Taurus moon. Emotionally, I respect her. Intellectually, she can go fuck herself cause she’s bat shit crazy.
For those of you who don’t understand the archetype, you can always learn more about it through this website: http://www.astrotheme.com/
In a nut shell, they’re stubborn, intelligent, and critical. They don’t like you, they will FIND something wrong with you. My Mother and I were practically born to dislike each other.
I remember growing up in her home, knowing my Mother would find something wrong with my chores. It was never not following through (although, sometimes that was an issue too) but rather I grew up constantly afraid to fail to my mother’s expectations. Which I did. Brutally.
I was about 18 or 19 when I finally said to myself, “I need to figure out what makes me happy, before I can make someone happy too.” A line which not only applied to my relationship with my Mother, but to other relationships as well. Now at the ripe age of 21, I no longer give a fuck about her expectations and only strive to meet mine. Which are now higher than normal.
I think my high-standards come from trying to live up to her expectations. I easily forgive others for messing up, but when I do I beat myself up about it for days. In some ways, it is a representation of my relationship with my parental unit played out in my own mind, day after day.
I normally don’t get so emotional and deep in thought about such a trivial thing, but yesterday my boss sat me down and gave me a lecture on how hard I’m being with myself. It made me stop and re-think myself. Analyze another perspective of me.
I’m so incredibly one-sided and it’s so very hard to see myself clearly. Some things are easy. Intellect is easy. Emotions are not. I tend to drown them in booze or smoke them out (not healthy, but one problem at a time right?). I figure I’ve got to work on a lot of issues. Self-matyrdom being one of them now.
Now for the weekly question. Send your answers to my inbox and I’ll mention the best ones in next weeks post.
Talk you guys soon!
Does anyone else have high-standards? If so, do you think you were born with them or were they engraved in your mind throughout children?