Diary of Awkward Jane

Got a question? Ask it here.   Libra. Balance. Artistic. Loving. Logical.

Taurus. Persistent. Stubborn. Stable.

October 29th

I am really hard on myself. Incredibly, utterly critical of my appearance, the way I think, the way I act- even the way I speak. I question everything about myself down to my natal chart. I’ve picked apart my birth chart time and time again, attempting to find the missing piece of the puzzle, “Who am I?”

And I didn’t get far with that (not that I’ve stopped trying or anything). I’ve found a lot of indicators for ambition, success, sex, even laziness (of which I can agree to all of these factors), but nothing about being so self-critical. It’s not something I grew up with, not something I remember noticing as a younger child. As a matter of fact, it didn’t show up until I was in my late teens. So as I worked today, I pondered the meaning of life and my critical nature and BAM I had an epiphany.

My Mother.

My mother is a Libra-Scorpio Sun with a Scorpio moon followed by more Scorpio with some more Scorpio on top of that. Me? I am a Libra Sun with a Taurus moon. Emotionally, I respect her. Intellectually, she can go fuck herself cause she’s bat shit crazy. 

For those of you who don’t understand the archetype, you can always learn more about it through this website: http://www.astrotheme.com/

In a nut shell, they’re stubborn, intelligent, and critical. They don’t like you, they will FIND something wrong with you. My Mother and I were practically born to dislike each other.

I remember growing up in her home, knowing my Mother would find something wrong with my chores. It was never not following through (although, sometimes that was an issue too) but rather I grew up constantly afraid to fail to my mother’s expectations. Which I did. Brutally.

I was about 18 or 19 when I finally said to myself, “I need to figure out what makes me happy, before I can make someone happy too.”  A line which not only applied to my relationship with my Mother, but to other relationships as well.  Now at the ripe age of 21, I no longer give a fuck about her expectations and only strive to meet mine. Which are now higher than normal.

I think my high-standards come from trying to live up to her expectations. I easily forgive others for messing up, but when I do I beat myself up about it for days. In some ways, it is a representation of my relationship with my parental unit played out in my own mind, day after day.

I normally don’t get so emotional and deep in thought about such a trivial thing, but yesterday my boss sat me down and gave me a lecture on how hard I’m being with myself. It made me stop and re-think myself. Analyze another perspective of me.

I’m so incredibly one-sided and it’s so very hard to see myself clearly. Some things are easy. Intellect is easy. Emotions are not. I tend to drown them in booze or smoke them out (not healthy, but one problem at a time right?). I figure I’ve got to work on a lot of issues. Self-matyrdom being one of them now.

Now for the weekly question. Send your answers to my inbox and I’ll mention the best ones in next weeks post.

Talk you guys soon!

Awkward Jane

Does anyone else have high-standards? If so, do you think you were born with them or were they engraved in your mind throughout children?

— 5 months ago
#high-standards  #parents  #teenagers  #journaling  #awkwardjaneblog  #awkwardjanedoe  #aw 

I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love

I’ve given you too much.

— 5 months ago with 1 note
#ciara  #enrique iglesias  #takin'backmylove 

Found the cutest little niche in the woods today. I pulled out my blanket, kicked off my shoes and got stoned. Of course, it was all to become one with nature, but I’ll admit I took a nice, fat nap ad midst my humbling servitude to the Mother Earth. Hope everyone else is having as good of a day as I am (:

— 6 months ago
#stoned  #gothigh  #nature  #mother earth  #nature niche 
The Jealous Girlfriend

The passion between them flowed effortlessly- this was no ebb and flow as it was with her other lovers. This was a volcanic explosion building, air escaping between cracking rock as it avalanched into the middle of her life. His lips on hers, his teeth biting and caressing, teasing and sucking. She could barely contain the pleasure that coursed through her body and he raked his hands over her full breasts that were still confined by the cheap, leopard print bra. She rarely felt beautiful, but when he touched her this way, it was all she could feel. His lips latched onto her pulse point and sucked in rhythm to her rapid heart beat. Then he brought his skilled mouth back to hers and threw her into a delirium as their lowers bodies ground into one another, layers of clothing preventing them from doing what they wished.

I wonder if Nikki taught him to kiss this way, the thought suddenly flew through her mind, bringing her lust induced state down a notch. Why the fuck am I thinking about her right now? This is me and Martin, not Martin and Nikki. She strained to throw the unwanted thought out of her head as he continued to rub circles across her lower back, occasionally tracing the pattern of her sensitive tattoo that lined her mid back.

Did they make-out this way? Again, the subconscious though rolled through her mind, tearing her heart apart. God, I should stop this. I can’t make-out with him when I’m hurting so bad.

Maybe the physical intimacy was too soon. She didn’t know why the knowledge had cut her so deep, to know that her fiancee had kept his relationship with his best friend a secret from her. Granted, a relationship that had been before they knew each other. But why did he have to tell her? She had thought all those intimate moments of kissing and touching had been their’s and their’s alone. Mary had been his first partner is sex, but she hadn’t been his first partner in heart. He hadn’t told her there had been another.

Physically she was still engaged in the make-out session on the couch in their living room. Mentally she had pushed herself away. She couldn’t have this intimate moments with him anymore without thinking SHE had been there first. Nikki. A person she had been friends with. A girl who had cheated on her boyfriend, first with her fiancee and then with another man.

I feel sick, and Mary did. A sick rolling feeling sliced through her.

She stood up, and turned away from Martin.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I can’t stop thinking about you and her,” Mary replied quietly, “It’s all I can see.” She rubbed her arms, trying to erase the chill she felt corroding her soul. “I can picture her on top of you, grinding on you the way that I just was. Kissing you with passion like I just was,” tears well up in her eyes, “what is wrong with me?”

“I’m sorry I hurt you so bad,” he said rubbing his hands over his face, obviously no longer aroused. She had doused that fire for them both. “I don’t know how to fix this,” sorrow etched into his face, beautiful brown eyes furrowed tight. Martin is so sweet, she thought, but I can’t do this.

And Mary walked away. Walked out. Unable to control the emotions.

Only she didn’t do that. Mary bottled her emotions, put them into a box to analyze later. She made love to the man who she believed was her soul mate. Who did whatever he could to make her happy. And the thought of Nikki laying in the bed with him the way she did, slithering into her restless dreams.

The End.

— 7 months ago
#the jealous girlfriends  #jealousy  #short story  #real stuff  #awkwardjanedoeblog 

I want to be clever and beautiful like the sea. There’s nothing calm about this beast, but she’s strong and sure. She bends for no one. She only flows.

— 7 months ago
#ocean  #beautiful sunsets  #gorgeous evening  #californiasunsets 
Eminem- I’m Not Afraid

I’m told I live a life of sin. Because I accept that I like both boys AND girls. I live a life of sin because I told my little sister I was putting her on birth control because she’s having unprotected sex. I’m living a life of sin because I smoke and I drink. I have short hair. I eat meat. I have sex. I work. I am in a position of authority. I ACCEPT MYSELF. Flaws and all. I bare them to the world to be seen as they are, just a facet of my personality. Validation of my humanity.

I’m not afraid to stand up for myself. I don’t like being backed into a corner and being told how I should live my life. I have said it many times and I will say it again, I like who I am. If you don’t? I don’t care. Nobody is irreplaceable in my life.

I’d rather live alone and be true to myself than be around friends who will never know the real me.

That includes my family too.
My Grandfather and I are currently not speaking because he told me these things. When I told him he was being close minded I was told I was a bitch. I promptly told him, fuck you.

Not sorry for it.

— 7 months ago with 2 notes
#notsorry  #stupidreligion  #athiesm  #dontputmeinabox  #awkwardjane  #stronger  #dontneedbullshit