Diary of Awkward Jane

Got a question? Ask it here.   Libra. Balance. Artistic. Loving. Logical.

Taurus. Persistent. Stubborn. Stable.

I wonder if I’m handling motherhood well. I know that what I’m dealing with are typical new mother hurdles, but when I reach out I feel like I get shut down. No one let’s me talk about it, and that’s all I need to do is talk.

I can journal about my struggles all day, but human interaction seems essential to function lately. So when I go to someone and want to talk about how I’m feeling and I get the response of: “That’s all normal. You’ll be okay.” And promptly get ignored… I feel rejected and isolated.

I consider myself to be an introvert. Talking to people is not easy, telling people my thoughts or my feelings is much more difficult. I’m probably extra sensitive, I can recognize my faults. But I feel like maybe I shouldn’t talk to anyone about it. Maybe internalizing it is the way to go.

I cried a lot today. I don’t think I’m depressed because I love my daughter, I love my life. But I’m bone tired and have so much on my plate that I’m struggling a lot. Belle had colic from 9pm today until 5pm. I got maybe three or four hours of sleep last night and I still haven’t touched the massive amount of laundry in my room.

My floors need to be vacuumed, the dishes need to get done, laundry, and I still need to finish my crochet project so I can sell it. With a screaming baby its been impossible.

I love my daughter. She has the biggest, most beautiful eyes- perfect angel face. She an amazing snuggler and I love everything about her from her poopy diapers to her adorable little feet. And I feel guilty that I need alone time. I feel guilty that I can’t handle my daughter 24/7 like I want to.

I don’t have a partner, but I have family that helps out a little- and I admit it does help. Right now my baby is snuggled in bed with her Grandma while I sit in the bath tub and have a luke warm Razberita. my c section scar aches so my Mom said that a bath might help. So far it is.

Am I just whining? My life is practically perfect, so why am I stressing and struggling so much? I know that there is no such thing as perfect and I do have quite a bit on my plate, but shouldn’t that just balance everything out?

If anyone has the answer…. you are welcome to email me. Seriously.

With that I’m going to go retrieve my beautiful, perfect daughter and try to get some sleep.

I hope you all have a beautiful day/night.

— 2 months ago
#the struggle  #struggling  #motherhood  #newmother  #ranting  #frustration  #exhaustion  #awkwardjane 
Welcome to Motherhood

I haven’t written is what seems like forever. And I have so much to catch you up on.

I had my daughter on July 25th, Annabelle Marian Glass and she is the most precious thing to me. Her birth was not as easy one, but the minute I held her in my arms, I knew she was mine.

But being a Mom is hard. Harder than I gave it credit for. I’m in the midst of trying to start a business and taking care of a newborn is not making that any easier.

She’s three weeks old and has colic. I feel awful, I mean I’m exhausted, but I know she is too AND she’s uncomfortable. Mothers are supposed to provide comfort to their babies, but nothing I do consoles her. So here I am at 5pm on a Saturday afternoon, sitting in my Grandparents house and trying to catch up on sleep while they take a stab at holding and consoling my baby.

The overwhelming amount of guilt that I feel for having someone else watch my child is indescribable.

I know why I’m so stubborn and determined to do this on my own, and I haven’t told anyone this yet- my whole life people have told me that I depend on others too much. I’ve been told that I’m weak, and too irresponsible to do this on my own. So I’m determined to do this on my own. Or I was.

Now I’m just a failure.

How am I supposed to set a strong example? How am I supposed to do this? I don’t know how to juggle all the DR appointments, the baby, her irresponsible father, family, housework, a relationship, school, and a business all at once. I have so much on my plate that I don’t see the plate anymore- its spilling onto the coffee table now.

Am I being a drama queen? Probably. Maybe its my exhaustion. Maybe its the hormones. Maybe I’m just crazy. How am I supposed to know now?

I know that this is just the beginning. I know that things will get better and that it takes time. I’m just so tired and grumpy. But, until next time. I love you all and hope everything is going well.

-Awkward Jane

— 2 months ago
#awkwardjanedoe  #newmom  #motherhood  #newborn  #infant  #frustration  #newmotherhood  #thestruggle  #journal  #journey  #struggling  #the struggle 
Victim Shaming

I’m sitting on my couch and I am absolutely horrified at the victim shaming that I just saw on TV. The Doctors TV show is a well sought out source of information and entertainment that my family and I watch on a regular basis. Normally, I drone out the words that I hear and stay in my own little world, but when they decided to do an episode about bullying I found myself interested.

For those of you who are not informed on the case you can fine the episode at the link below. A young biracial girl wanted hair like her grandmothers, long red flowing locks that could be compared to that of the Disney character Ariel; her grandmother wanted to give her the opportunity to feel special and took her to get a weave put in. The first day this young girl went to school, students were telling her she was “stupid” because she had a “wig” on. They pulled her hair so hard she was coming home in tears. Despite her grandmother contacting the Principle to stop this from happening, they informed her that they could do nothing about it and that she shouldn’t expect anything different since the hair was such a drastic change. This behavior continued until the young girls hair was LITERALLY ripped from the girls scalp causing scar tissue damage to the hair folicles.

This is a very standard case of racial discrimination and bullying, something that our school systems have yet to address as a real issue; but, that wasn’t what horrified me most. No, what upsets me is that when this family was brought on the show and interviewed, the first question that was asked to the Grandmother was “Do you feel responsible?”

Guilt is a human emotion, without it we often do not have a moral compass, but for this young woman to have audacity to ask a Grandmother who was simply embracing her granddaughters differences to be pointedly asked if she was responsible was an example of victim shaming.

That’s the kind of stuff that makes me angry. And I’ll bet the school STILL didn’t take care of the bullying that was occuring.

— 4 months ago with 16 notes
#antibullying  #victimshaming  #this is why i need feminism 
October 29th

I am really hard on myself. Incredibly, utterly critical of my appearance, the way I think, the way I act- even the way I speak. I question everything about myself down to my natal chart. I’ve picked apart my birth chart time and time again, attempting to find the missing piece of the puzzle, “Who am I?”

And I didn’t get far with that (not that I’ve stopped trying or anything). I’ve found a lot of indicators for ambition, success, sex, even laziness (of which I can agree to all of these factors), but nothing about being so self-critical. It’s not something I grew up with, not something I remember noticing as a younger child. As a matter of fact, it didn’t show up until I was in my late teens. So as I worked today, I pondered the meaning of life and my critical nature and BAM I had an epiphany.

My Mother.

My mother is a Libra-Scorpio Sun with a Scorpio moon followed by more Scorpio with some more Scorpio on top of that. Me? I am a Libra Sun with a Taurus moon. Emotionally, I respect her. Intellectually, she can go fuck herself cause she’s bat shit crazy. 

For those of you who don’t understand the archetype, you can always learn more about it through this website: http://www.astrotheme.com/

In a nut shell, they’re stubborn, intelligent, and critical. They don’t like you, they will FIND something wrong with you. My Mother and I were practically born to dislike each other.

I remember growing up in her home, knowing my Mother would find something wrong with my chores. It was never not following through (although, sometimes that was an issue too) but rather I grew up constantly afraid to fail to my mother’s expectations. Which I did. Brutally.

I was about 18 or 19 when I finally said to myself, “I need to figure out what makes me happy, before I can make someone happy too.”  A line which not only applied to my relationship with my Mother, but to other relationships as well.  Now at the ripe age of 21, I no longer give a fuck about her expectations and only strive to meet mine. Which are now higher than normal.

I think my high-standards come from trying to live up to her expectations. I easily forgive others for messing up, but when I do I beat myself up about it for days. In some ways, it is a representation of my relationship with my parental unit played out in my own mind, day after day.

I normally don’t get so emotional and deep in thought about such a trivial thing, but yesterday my boss sat me down and gave me a lecture on how hard I’m being with myself. It made me stop and re-think myself. Analyze another perspective of me.

I’m so incredibly one-sided and it’s so very hard to see myself clearly. Some things are easy. Intellect is easy. Emotions are not. I tend to drown them in booze or smoke them out (not healthy, but one problem at a time right?). I figure I’ve got to work on a lot of issues. Self-matyrdom being one of them now.

Now for the weekly question. Send your answers to my inbox and I’ll mention the best ones in next weeks post.

Talk you guys soon!

Awkward Jane

Does anyone else have high-standards? If so, do you think you were born with them or were they engraved in your mind throughout children?

— 11 months ago
#high-standards  #parents  #teenagers  #journaling  #awkwardjaneblog  #awkwardjanedoe  #aw 

I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love

I’ve given you too much.

— 12 months ago with 1 note
#ciara  #enrique iglesias  #takin'backmylove